Monday, 21 September 2009

CLEGG TO UNVEIL SERIES OF THINGS THAT WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg will rally his party this week by outlining a series of things that are never, ever going to happen.

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Mr Clegg will tell the party conference that he is no longer pissing the bed
In his keynote speech to the party's annual conference Clegg will claim the Lib Dems will hold the balance of power after the next election, despite a stunningly comprehensive lack of evidence.

Julian Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, said: "We've reached that point in the year where you may see headlines such as 'Lib Dems to tax homes worth more than £1m' as if that's a thing that could happen, instead of what it actually is which is just some noises coming out of a hole at the front of Vince Cable's head.

"You may also see stories about Mr Clegg rejecting an alliance with David Cameron, because obviously when the Tories win the next election with a majority of at least 60 seats the very first thing Cameron is going to do is offer Nick Clegg the Foreign Office.

"Over the weekend you may even have noticed Mr Clegg abandoning his pledge to abolish student tuition fees and thought, 'oh dear, poor old students' before quickly correcting yourself and thinking 'oh, hang on, that doesn't make the slightest difference to anyone or anything. At all'.

"In fact he may as well have said that he is abandoning his pledge to make your balls the size of pomegranates or cover China in a gigantic, Paisley-patterned table cloth."

Professor Cook added: "The Liberal Democrats are actually very sweet. It's a bit like watching a child put on a pair of daddy's shoes, pick up his briefcase and clomp up and down the hallway pretending to be a 'businessyman'.

"Then, of course, everyone has to sit down and discuss 'plolicies' while eating invisible cake and drinking a small, plastic pot of imaginary tea."
As far as I can tell that is a perfect summary, hattip...

4 comments:

  1. polaris

    Firstly, i love your blog btw, very swanky and swish...Reminds me of the Granary's interior on the shore. :)

    Indeed a perfect summery of the Lib Dems. They can offer you the world but hand on heart they have no chance on delivering it.

    Nick would love a hung parly coz its his only chance of getting into power. Nope i see a Tory majority of over 100 looming, all the polls are showing a 17% plus gap now.

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  2. Hi AMW,thanks for visiting, didn't know if any of you guys would after the jk paranoid conspiracy theory thing took over. So thank you.

    Just couldn't resist the urge to blog again, particularly given what is looming just over the horizon - and thought I would redecorate.

    I fear you are absolutely correct, the Tories will see a landslide in the next election, and that may be the straw that breaks the resistance to independence in Scotland. I will emigrate I think...

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  3. Aw don't go hen - Scotland needs folks like you tae keep her honest. Ye'd never be happy onywhere else onyhoo.

    Here in Canada we have the extraordinary spectacle of the New Democrats ( a kinda labourish party ) propping up the minority Conservative government - very strange.

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  4. Polaris...

    I never did get to grips with all that Jk stuff lol.
    ...
    I think it would be bad for democracy is any government wins a huge majority. I would like to see a hung parliament where all the minority parties could have an influence on what is delivered.

    This way policy will be more reflective of how we all voted.

    Labour won the last election on 34% of the vote (22%) of the electorate yet i don't see this as a mandate.

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