Monday, 8 February 2010

'Bat'leth in Bridgeton Cross?

Following on from this post of last year I hear that Strathclyde Police intend to add further to their impressive standard side arms issue which currently includes; pepper spray, a chib and Tazer.

Scotland's largest force have set a number of impressive firsts for policing in the UK over the years, being the first force to include baseball caps in their standard uniform and offer Buckfast in force canteens.

The head of Strathclyde's elite firearms unit SRaD (Square gos, Rammys and Doin's), Superintendent Bob Nesbitt announced the introduction of the Klingon sword the 'Bat'leth at a press conference held in the Scotia Bar last night.
"Tazers are all very well, but given the preference of our clients for inflammable sports gear and industrial quantities of alcohol, our trials of this weapon have shown that the average Glaswegian is more flammable than your average Molotov cocktail.  There have been a number of unfortunate incidents involving individuals helping us with our enquiries being burnt to a cinder before we could beat a confession from them in the back of the van"

"After a review of available technology, and given the fact that the average PC already dresses like a Klingon leaving an arms fair, we have decided to issue 'Bat'leths.  These are purely a non-lethal visual deterrent, like CCTV cameras.  I have an assurance from the force training instructors that our officers will be trained to wave their swords about and shout Klingon expletives to ensure compliance in tricky situations."

"Our research shows that the 'Bat'leth is perfectly safe, the manufacturer, CBS Studios, assure us that in the thousands of deployments there has been no record of fatalities."

When the First Minister, Alex Salmond, was asked to comment on Strathclyde's plans he is reported to have said
"Glasgow? Where the fuck is that?"

4 comments:

  1. "Glasgow? Where the fuck is that?"

    Half way between Gdansk and Islamabad.

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  2. That miserable looking copper seems to be holding the under-tray that I knocked off my car in the snow.

    Can I have it back, please?

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  3. See me, I'm from Edinburgh, well, at least I live near it. Glasgow is a bit like going to Cambodia for me. What is the point of going much further than Waverley when you can get your essentials at Valvona and Crolla, John Lewis, and relax with a cocktail in the Balmoral?

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  4. Apparently lothian and borders police can't afford tasers but have been issued with sparklers left over from Guy Fawkes night....and woolly gloves so they don't burn their fingers.

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